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Justice Department Rules Alaska Voters Intended To Reelect Dan Sullivan

Justice Department Rules Alaska Voters Intended To Reelect Dan Sullivan

The Justice Department announced Friday that Alaska voters remain free to choose any Senate candidate they want, provided federal investigators later confirm they intended to select incumbent Republican Sen. Dan Sullivan. The new election-security standard became necessary after retired teacher Daniel J. Sullivan Jr. joined the ballot, creating what administration officials described as a coordinated attack involving two men, one surname and the dangerous expectation that citizens read the remaining words. Alaska election officials identified the incumbent as a Republican and listed the challenger as “Daniel J. Jr.,” but the department concluded that distinguishing candidates by first name, party and biography imposed an unconstitutional burden on voters who had arrived prepared to recognize only familiar letter combinations.

President Donald Trump said he personally ordered the intervention after learning that ballots might be counted according to the marks voters placed on them. “I told Justice, you have to protect the American people from ‘Jr.,’ because once ‘Jr.’ gets on a ballot, nobody knows who anybody is anymore,” Trump said. “It could be Dan, Daniel, Danny, maybe even Sullivan. You have two Sullivans and suddenly the whole election is a menu with two hamburgers, and nobody can tell which hamburger is the senator.” Officials said ballots ranking Daniel J. Sullivan should be isolated for review, especially if counting them would benefit former Democratic Rep. Mary Peltola. No voters have reported accidentally choosing the wrong Sullivan, a total absence of evidence the department called consistent with an extremely disciplined conspiracy.

Under the administration’s new Intent-Based Democracy model, election workers will count ballots normally unless the result displeases the incumbent, at which point prosecutors will reconstruct what voters would have wanted if they had received proper federal guidance. Investigators may examine whether Alaskans temporarily forgot their senator’s first name, party affiliation, campaign advertising, public record and photograph while retaining a powerful emotional attachment to his surname. Gov. Mike Dunleavy welcomed the scrutiny, explaining that self-government works best when citizens make their own decisions and federal attorneys correct those decisions afterward. The department said the policy preserves ballot access, protects incumbents from typographical competition and eliminates the destabilizing possibility that a vote could mean what it says. Alaska voters chose Dan Sullivan, including the ones who did not.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.

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