Trump Unveils Transparency Plan To Keep Public Uninformed
President Donald Trump announced a federal transparency initiative Tuesday that would protect Americans from government secrecy by shooting officials who explain what the government is doing. The Secure Silence Initiative follows Trump’s public enthusiasm for executing leakers, a reform intended to restore the nation’s traditional balance between an informed electorate and an electorate wisely spared information. Under the plan, disclosure will remain legal in theory, while anyone attempting it will be encouraged to reconsider during a brief meeting with armed personnel.
“People want transparency, but they do not want all these facts getting in the way, because facts are very complicated and often extremely unfair to me,” Trump said. “When nobody leaks, everybody knows exactly what the government wants them to know, which is the highest possible level of transparency.” Federal employees would receive annual training in safeguarding classified material, recognizing journalists, deleting calendar invitations and locating office corridors with minimal sightlines. Workers who witness misconduct could still use official whistleblower channels, provided they submit their concerns directly to the people accused of misconduct and stand still while the complaint is reviewed.
White House officials said the initiative would also strengthen press freedom by reducing the exhausting supply of facts reporters are expected to verify. Journalists could instead focus on reproducing official statements, praising presidential stamina and explaining why contradictory statements are evidence of strategic flexibility. The administration dismissed concerns that threatening sources with death might conceal corruption, noting that corruption does not legally mature until someone describes it to a newspaper. Undisclosed wrongdoing therefore remains not only harmless but, for statistical purposes, nonexistent.
Trump reassured federal workers that innocent employees have nothing to fear as long as they never observe misconduct, remember conversations, preserve records, answer subpoenas or display the reckless personal habit of knowing things. Officials described the proposal as the most open secrecy policy ever devised, combining the ceremonial language of accountability with the practical efficiency of terror. Once every source has been silenced and every reporter has been redirected to a press release, the United States will achieve complete transparency because the public will know nothing.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.