Justice Department Presumes California Voters Counterfeit
The Justice Department unveiled a historic modernization of American democracy Friday, declaring thousands of California voters fraudulent unless they can personally persuade Washington otherwise within 48 hours. Federal prosecutors instructed election officials in at least 18 counties to identify and quarantine ballots associated with roughly 20,000 people the Trump administration considers “likely” noncitizens. The names arrived on a password-protected thumb drive, now the preferred constitutional instrument when evidence is too sovereign to be shown in public.
California maintains more than 23 million voter registrations, but county officials were expected to investigate thousands of citizenship records over a weekend, ideally after completing the laundry and before Costco closed. President Donald Trump praised the plan’s efficiency. “We’re protecting every legal vote by stopping thousands of votes before we know whether they’re legal, which is the safest system anybody has ever invented,” Trump said. “Nobody has protected voting by preventing voting like this administration, and the voters who are innocent will be very happy to prove it.”
The department has charged 28 people from its 20,000-name list with election-related offenses, conclusively establishing that the other 19,972 deserve the presumption of guilt traditionally reserved for unattended airport luggage. California Secretary of State Shirley Weber has warned that the federal data are unreliable and could disenfranchise eligible citizens. Administration officials dismissed that concern, explaining that disenfranchising eligible citizens is no longer disenfranchisement when performed proactively under the more reassuring brand name of election integrity.
Attorney General Pam Bondi’s department also warned election workers that they could face legal jeopardy for knowingly processing an unlawful ballot. The meaning of “knowingly” will be supplied after prosecutors determine whether uncertainty itself demonstrates criminal intent. Under the revised system, voting remains a fundamental right for every American who can defeat a federal spreadsheet, locate decades-old paperwork, retain emergency counsel and establish citizenship before Tuesday. California’s elections are therefore secure because every voter is now guilty until successfully registered as innocent.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.