Trump Declares Expensive Oil Cheap
President Donald Trump unveiled a new energy policy Thursday under which oil prices become affordable the moment he disputes them. The announcement followed Iranian reports that four tankers had been attacked and three others had struck mines near the Strait of Hormuz, developments that helped push Brent crude to roughly $113 a barrel. Trump blamed Iran for inventing the incidents ahead of the November 3 midterms and blamed commodity traders for the related offense of looking at ships, insurance rates and supply risks before setting prices.
“There were no attacks, and therefore the oil is very inexpensive, maybe the least expensive oil anyone has ever paid one hundred thirteen dollars for,” Trump said. “The numbers look high only because Iran, the markets and the price boards are using very dishonest arithmetic against me.” Under the administration’s Denial-Based Petroleum Initiative, service stations may continue charging the displayed amount but will be required to post a notice explaining that the president considers it much lower. Receipts will list the customer’s total under “Alleged Cost,” allowing motorists to leave with both an empty bank account and official confirmation that nothing expensive occurred.
Administration officials said households can immediately reduce fuel costs by driving less, canceling trips and concentrating on the money they would have spent if gasoline had remained affordable in reality. The White House also urged oil markets to stop reacting to explosions, damaged vessels, shipping delays, insurance premiums and other anti-American data. Asked whether disrupted shipping could still constrain supply after Trump declared the disruption fictional, officials explained that observable events remain partisan allegations until acknowledged on Truth Social. Traders responded by pushing crude prices higher, a move the administration classified as further evidence that markets are conspiring to make numbers mean things. By Thursday afternoon, oil was officially cheap, gasoline was administratively affordable and every American paying more had been successfully corrected.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.