Trump Deregulates Antisemitic Slurs
President Donald Trump unveiled a landmark linguistic deregulation policy in Park City, Kansas, declaring that an antisemitic slur becomes respectful financial terminology when used to defend a Republican who sued patients over unpaid medical bills. Appearing with Kansas Sen. Roger Marshall, Trump dismissed criticism of Marshall’s former medical practice, which pursued hundreds of patients in court, by describing the senator as having been portrayed as “some kind of a Shylock-type guy.” The addition of “type guy,” administration linguists confirmed, converts the slur into a folksy expression meaning “compassionate physician with an aggressive collections department.”
Trump said Marshall had been legally required to pursue the debts, citing the longstanding American statute under which doctors must choose between suing sick people and being immediately jailed for excessive mercy. “Nobody has protected Jewish words more than me, and now we’re protecting this word by saying it until everybody agrees it was always beautiful,” Trump said. “This is vocabulary freedom, one of the greatest civil-rights achievements since I brought back Merry Christmas, which had been totally abolished before me.” The policy, informally titled No Slur Left Behind, allows Republican officials to sanitize offensive language by surrounding it with compliments, imaginary legal obligations or the phrase “common sense.”
Marshall, an obstetrician before entering the Senate, has defended his former practice’s debt-collection record as a routine feature of American health care. His 2020 Democratic opponent, physician Barbara Bollier, criticized the lawsuits during their campaign, apparently overlooking the therapeutic value of receiving a court summons while already unable to afford treatment. Trump said the cases demonstrated Marshall’s bedside manner because patients were given access not only to medical care but also to judges, attorneys, wage garnishment and several educational pamphlets about personal responsibility.
Marshall thanked Trump for clarifying that collecting medical debt is a mandatory public-health service, similar to vaccination except that the needle is a process server and the common side effect is bankruptcy. Under the new national language standard, prejudice is now measured entirely by partisan intent: the same expression remains offensive when directed at a Republican but becomes inclusive outreach when spoken by one. Antisemitism is therefore no longer antisemitism when deployed to protect a Republican’s accounts receivable.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.