Republicans Replace Governing With Jawline Assessments
President Donald Trump unveiled the Republican Party’s new governing standard Sunday, declaring that candidates with sufficiently powerful jawlines no longer need to read legislation. The doctrine follows Trump’s Kentucky rally endorsement of House candidate Ed Gallrein, whom he described as a “beautiful guy” from “central casting.” Trump has also praised Sen. Jon Husted as a “good-looking guy,” conducted a public inventory of his physique and highlighted the exceptional handsomeness of Georgia Republicans Mike Collins and Rick Jackson. Party officials said the evaluations constitute policy analysis because they require the president to look directly at a candidate for several seconds.
The Republican National Committee will incorporate the findings into a “Looks First” platform replacing primaries, debates and the least photogenic portions of the Constitution. Candidates will receive points for square jaws, broad shoulders, expensive suits and the ability to stride toward a camera as though leaving an explosion they authorized. Committee assignments will be determined by headshot: Appropriations requires symmetrical ears, Armed Services favors necks wider than existing treaties, and Judiciary demands a chin capable of overruling precedent. “We have candidates who are so handsome, maybe the handsomest candidates ever assembled, and frankly you don’t need experience when you have shoulders like these,” Trump said. “The Democrats have regulations, reports and all sorts of ugly things, but we have cheekbones, very strong cheekbones, the best anybody has seen.”
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton faces an uncertain future under the system after Trump publicly criticized his appearance, a defect more damaging in the modern Republican Party than legal controversy, ideological inconsistency or accidentally knowing what a tariff does. Officials said Paxton could still qualify through an emergency conservative makeover, a televised bench press or a lawsuit accusing mirrors of election interference. Democrats objected that lawmakers should be judged by competence, ethics and policy, three standards that remain difficult to photograph and almost impossible to monetize. Election workers will count ballots in November if they can stop staring at Husted’s jawline long enough to locate the machines. Until then, American government will be administered according to cheekbone density.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.