Trump Solves Health Care With Ninety Dollar Rebate
President Donald Trump solved American health care Thursday by depositing $90 into the accounts of selected Medicare recipients, ending decades of medical bankruptcy, prescription-drug anxiety and actuarial mathematics. The one-time rebate, drawn from the $2 billion Medicare Improvement Fund, will reach roughly 20.8 million people enrolled in Original Medicare Part B. With the standard monthly premium at $202.90, the administration has eliminated nearly half of health care for almost one month, a level of reform previously considered possible only through legislation.
Trump declared the payment sufficient to settle the nation’s remaining medical concerns. “This is tremendous money, frankly more money than most seniors know what to do with, and after this nobody should ever have to visit a doctor again,” Trump said. “If you remain sick after receiving ninety dollars, that’s a personal choice, probably made by a Democrat.” Administration officials said the payment could cover several aspirin, part of an ambulance conversation or the emotional preparation required to open a hospital bill.
The White House also protected roughly 35 million Medicare Advantage enrollees from receiving the dangerous windfall. Low-income beneficiaries whose premiums are assisted by Medicaid were similarly spared, preventing the neediest Americans from developing an unhealthy dependence on occasional solvency. Eligible recipients instead received a personal email from Trump, clarifying that although Congress created and funded the Medicare Improvement Fund, the president had courageously located the button that sends the money.
Critics described the rollout as a political stunt timed ahead of the Nov. 3 midterm elections. White House officials rejected the allegation, noting that traditional vote-buying usually provides enough money to purchase something. Recipients were advised to spend the rebate responsibly on one pharmacy receipt, several minutes in an emergency-room waiting area or a decorative frame for the presidential email announcing the cure. With $90 distributed to selected seniors and everyone else shielded from excess assistance, affordable American health care is now complete.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.