Trump Defeats AI Risk With Better Branding
President Donald Trump declared the dangers of artificial intelligence defeated Wednesday after the federal government renamed the technology “super intelligence,” converting a sprawling regulatory challenge into a vocabulary problem. The change immediately resolved concerns about mass layoffs, data-center pollution, automated misinformation and software making life-altering decisions without accountability. Administration officials concluded those problems had not been caused by technology companies operating without meaningful restraints, but by the discouraging word “artificial,” which had unfairly reminded Americans that the machines are artificial.
The new Super Intelligence Force will be led by Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, with Federal Trade Commission Chairman Andrew Ferguson, Pentagon research chief Emil Michael and Office of Personnel Management Director Scott Kupor coordinating policy. Their assignment is to ensure that no dangerous technology is delayed by experts asking hostile questions about whether it is dangerous. “We had artificial intelligence, and people heard artificial and thought fake, frankly, but super means extremely good,” Trump said. “Supermarkets, superhighways and super-size fries have an unbelievable safety record. Nobody has ever had a problem with anything after we put super in front of it.” Officials said the statement established a rigorous new scientific standard based on the proven federal practice of placing a flattering adjective before an unresolved emergency.
The force’s first mission will be protecting Americans from excessive protection. Any proposed safeguard must demonstrate that it will not slow innovation, inconvenience a billionaire or imply that software companies occasionally rank quarterly revenue above the continued usefulness of human beings. Consumer advocates, infrastructure providers, technology executives and members of the public will be invited to submit recommendations before officials select whichever proposal requires the least government action. By placing intelligence officials, military researchers, personnel managers and the nation’s chief consumer regulator on one committee, the White House has ensured that every concern can be represented, scheduled for discussion and efficiently renamed. Americans may now use AI, or SI, with complete confidence because artificial intelligence became safe the moment the government gave it a better adjective.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.