Trump Saves Nebraska Ranchers By Replacing Their Beef

President Donald Trump arrived in Nebraska to reassure ranchers that importing 300,000 metric tons of tariff-free foreign beef is the most American way to support American cattle producers: making their cattle financially unnecessary. The plan, designed to lower grocery prices by increasing competition, has angered ranchers who mistakenly interpreted “America First” as an instruction to purchase American products first. Sen. Pete Ricketts warned that cheaper imports could undercut domestic producers, while Sen. Deb Fischer, a rancher, questioned Washington’s strategy of rebuilding a depleted national herd by making each remaining animal less profitable.

Trump dismissed the criticism as a failure to understand agricultural subtraction. “We love the ranchers, nobody loves the ranchers more than me, but when foreign beef replaces their beef, they’ll have fewer cattle expenses and become unbelievably rich,” Trump said. “No feed, no equipment, no customers, no problem. It’s tremendous economics, maybe the best economics Nebraska has ever seen.” Administration officials later clarified that ranchers would benefit from increased exposure to market forces, particularly the force that pushes family operations out of the market. Consumers could also save money, officials said, provided supermarkets pass along lower wholesale costs instead of identifying them as an exciting new profit margin.

Gov. Jim Pillen welcomed Trump as Republican officials explained that flooding the market with cheaper foreign beef would strengthen Nebraska’s signature industry through prolonged economic character-building. Trump also promoted expanded tax-free use of red-dyed diesel, allowing ranchers to fuel tractors, trucks and other equipment they will no longer need once imported meat liberates them from domestic demand. White House aides described the backlash as evidence that the policy is working, noting that no rescue of American agriculture would be complete without American farmers begging the government to stop helping. Nebraska’s ranchers are therefore being protected from foreign competition by receiving more of it, conclusively proving that the fastest way to save the American beef industry is to replace its beef.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.