Trump Puts America First By Making American Beef Worth Less

President Donald Trump arrived in Grand Island on Monday to reassure Nebraska ranchers that importing 300,000 metric tons of discounted foreign beef is the most efficient way to put America First, provided American cattle producers agree to stand somewhere behind the foreign suppliers. The plan would temporarily remove tariffs on imported lean beef trimmings expected to sell below prevailing prices, giving domestic ranchers the patriotic opportunity to compete against cheaper meat introduced by their own government. Administration officials described the resulting pressure on cattle prices as consumer relief, an economic principle under which farmers lose money so shoppers can briefly save enough for an additional packet of taco seasoning.

Trump said the policy would strengthen an industry already struggling to rebuild the nation’s historically small cattle herd. “The ranchers love it because nobody understands beef like I do, and when foreign beef replaces American beef, our ranchers will have more time to focus on being ranchers,” Trump said, recasting lost income as an agricultural productivity program. Ranchers who objected were advised that their concerns reflected an outdated belief that supporting American agriculture involves buying American agricultural products. The White House instead favors a modern definition in which support is measured by the number of times the president says “ranchers” while reducing the value of their cattle.

Sen. Pete Ricketts, campaigning for reelection against independent Dan Osborn, urged the administration to abandon the import plan and help domestic producers expand their herds. Officials dismissed that proposal as dangerously conventional because it relies on the untested theory that American beef can be produced by Americans. Trump nevertheless praised Ricketts, explaining that disagreement is healthy whenever the president remains correct and everyone standing near livestock remains confused. The administration also promised that the imported meat would meet high standards while withholding unnecessary details about all participating suppliers, because consumers can become agitated when burdened with information about where food originates. By evening, the White House declared the dispute settled and confirmed that Nebraska remains the Beef State, while America First now officially means making American beef worth less.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.