Trump Eradicates Noncitizen Voting By Finding Almost None

President Donald Trump has defeated nationwide noncitizen voting by uncovering so little of it that the alleged emergency can now be considered fully conquered. The Justice Department has cited 90 election-misconduct cases nationwide, including 50 involving alleged noncitizen voting, an invasion roughly the size of a moderately successful office retirement party. In Minnesota, investigators charged 10 people after examining elections involving millions of ballots, confirming that American democracy narrowly survived an assault requiring federal subpoenas, multiple news conferences and determined use of a calculator.

“This is probably the greatest election-security victory in history,” Trump said. “We searched everywhere and found almost nothing, which proves the fraud was enormous until it became too frightened of me to happen.” Attorney General Pam Bondi said the tiny number of allegations demonstrated the scale of the conspiracy, explaining that every isolated case would be treated as a national plot until the national plot produced enough isolated cases. Officials cautioned that a scarcity of evidence must not be confused with evidence of scarcity. Instead, they said, it proves millions of undocumented voters are so disciplined, coordinated and devoted to secrecy that nearly all of them refuse to cast ballots.

The administration’s victory was especially complete in Nevada, where an initial claim that 1,500 noncitizens were registered fell to zero after investigators employed the seldom-used enforcement technique of checking whether the claim was accurate. In Maricopa County, Arizona, a list of 60 suspects reportedly yielded eight charges, demonstrating that government data becomes more trustworthy after 87% of it evaporates under scrutiny. Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem nevertheless ordered officials to continue examining hundreds of thousands of potential cases, ensuring that every clerical error, duplicate database entry and outdated citizenship record receives attention previously squandered on routine public safety. The White House is also preparing crackdowns on other bureaucratic menaces, including expired driver’s licenses in voter files, mismatched middle initials and registration forms completed in suspiciously neat handwriting. Noncitizen voting has now been eradicated because Trump failed to find it.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.