Republicans Declare Losing Congress Historic Victory

Republican strategists declared Tuesday that losing Congress in November would constitute the largest electoral triumph in American history, unveiling a “majority reduction” plan to free GOP lawmakers from the administrative burden of governing. With narrow congressional margins, sour economic sentiment and incumbents keeping a tactically prudent distance from President Donald Trump, party officials said defeat would prove voters trust Republicans enough to stop asking them to accomplish anything. Election analyst Charlie Cook’s warnings of a red undertow were welcomed as evidence that the party had finally mastered swimming directly toward the bottom.

Trump endorsed the strategy as a display of electoral dominance. “We’re going to lose seats like nobody has ever lost seats before, beautiful seats, tremendous seats, and Democrats will be exhausted from all the winning we force upon them,” Trump said. “That’s a mandate, probably the biggest mandate, because only I can defeat my own party better than anyone.” National Republican Senatorial Committee Chair Tim Scott has described the election as a fight for the party’s life, though strategists clarified that political death would merely return Republicans to their natural habitat: cable television studios, where legislation cannot interrupt fundraising, grievance or the urgent work of explaining why someone else is responsible.

The plan also resolves the party’s affordability problem. Once Democrats control Congress, Republicans said, every grocery bill, mortgage payment, insurance premium and suspiciously expensive tank of gasoline will become Democratic policy retroactive to the moment prices first rose. GOP lawmakers will then be able to denounce deficits they approved, programs they cut and border policies they declined to negotiate, all without the distracting expectation that they introduce alternatives. A loss would additionally provide two uninterrupted years for investigations into why Democrats are governing with the power voters gave them. Party officials urged supporters not to mistake a Democratic wave for rejection, noting that surrendering authority is the most efficient way to regain the moral clarity that comes from never being accountable for its use. Republicans will therefore win November by losing Congress, an achievement available only to the party receiving fewer seats.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.