White House Launches Taxpayer Funded Campaign To Reassure Trump He Is Loved
The Trump administration unveiled a vital new public service Monday, allowing Americans to spend their tax dollars reminding President Donald Trump that he is cherished, handsome and emotionally prepared to govern. The 30-second television spot, airing on Fox News and Newsmax, pairs rapid-fire images of Trump with claims about tax cuts, manufacturing and law enforcement, plus repeated assurances that the United States will never become communist. JMSN’s “Love Me” plays throughout as the nation’s new legally nonbinding loyalty oath. The commercial closes with the disclosure “Paid for by the U.S. Government,” because nothing defeats socialism more decisively than government-financed advertising for one man’s personal brand.
The White House classified the commercial as a public service announcement, placing presidential reassurance alongside hurricane warnings, seat-belt reminders and federal guidance against drinking household chemicals. “People ask me, ‘Sir, why should taxpayers have to tell you they love you?’ And I tell them love is infrastructure, the strongest infrastructure, and nobody has built more emotional infrastructure than me,” Trump explained, establishing affection for the president as a critical federal utility. According to AdImpact, the initial airtime cost roughly $14,000, a modest investment in maintaining the commander in chief’s emotional readiness before the midterm elections. Administration officials noted that a president deprived of televised affection could become cranky, post through the night or begin accusing White House furniture of insufficient loyalty.
Sen. Maggie Hassan demanded information about the campaign’s cost, while Rep. Jamie Raskin raised ethics concerns about using public money to promote Trump. Officials dismissed both objections, explaining that congressional oversight is merely communism wearing reading glasses and carrying a three-ring binder. Additional public service announcements are reportedly under consideration to inform citizens that Trump’s golf scores are naturally occurring phenomena, his ballroom plans are essential national security infrastructure and every uncomplimentary poll was conducted by enemies of beauty. The government may also establish an emergency compliment system enabling Americans to praise the president by text whenever approval ratings threaten to expose him to measurable reality. Taxpayer-funded adoration is now an essential government service, and Donald Trump is officially America’s most important natural resource.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.