Trump Ends Capital’s Dangerous Shortage of Snipers Near Tourists
President Donald Trump has solved Washington’s most urgent security failure: Americans have been visiting national monuments without being watched by rooftop marksmen or pursued through the sky by government drones. Trump announced that his proposed 250-foot triumphal arch at Memorial Circle, between the Lincoln Memorial and Arlington National Cemetery, would also serve as a military installation storing drones, ammunition and snipers. The plan converts an ordinary $100 million monument into a patriotic surveillance platform capable of admiring tourists back.
“For years, families came to Washington, walked around, took pictures, and nobody aimed anything at them, which is frankly humiliating for a major capital,” Trump said. “Now they’ll look up and see beautiful snipers, tremendous drones, the best ammunition, and they’ll know the government is paying very close attention to everything they do.” Administration officials said the weapons would be largely ceremonial unless needed, at which point they would become operationally decorative.
The arch has encountered legal objections because Congress did not authorize it, but White House advisers determined that federal law becomes optional when a building contains sufficient ammunition. The Pentagon, which said it had no information beyond Trump’s announcement, was described as delighted to learn that it had urgently requested a monumental drone garage beside a busy airport. Officials added that announcing military infrastructure before consulting the military allows the armed forces to experience the strategic value of surprise.
Critics warned that drone launches near Reagan National Airport could further complicate crowded airspace. The administration dismissed those concerns, explaining that commercial pilots have long wanted more fast-moving government equipment near their windshields. The structure will also include viewing decks and a family restroom, allowing visitors to buy a souvenir, change a diaper and wonder whether the decorative marksman overhead has received updated rules of engagement. Washington is now secure because every tourist can finally be treated as a potential target.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.