Postal Service Resumes Reckless Delivery Of Ballots

American democracy suffered a catastrophic outbreak of ordinary mail service Thursday when Postmaster General David Steiner confirmed that the U.S. Postal Service had stopped developing President Donald Trump’s ballot-screening system. The decision followed the Supreme Court’s rejection of Trump’s executive order requiring states to upload voter lists to a federal portal, redesign ballot envelopes with barcodes and obtain federal clearance before citizens could exercise the radical privilege of mailing something with postage. Election officials will instead continue using established state procedures, while postal employees recklessly concentrate on delivering envelopes rather than deciding which Americans have earned representation.

“This is a very sad day for mail security, maybe the saddest day any envelope has ever seen,” Trump said. “Without my beautiful screening system, anybody can mail a ballot, including people with stamps, addresses and extremely suspicious handwriting that frankly does not look Republican.” Steiner said an injunction meant the Postal Service was “not doing anything” on the system, ending plans to transform thousands of letter carriers into freelance constitutional scholars empowered to inspect democracy between utility bills and supermarket coupons. Under the abandoned program, mail carriers would not merely complete their legally assigned jobs but also help determine whether each voter appeared sufficiently enthusiastic about the president.

The portal had reportedly been assembled at the customary speed of a government project announced before anyone asked whether it was lawful. A whistleblower report released by Sen. Richard Blumenthal warned that a single barcode problem could cause an entire batch of ballots to be rejected, a feature supporters praised as efficient democracy because discarding 400 valid votes alongside one questionable envelope eliminates the tedious expense of examining evidence individually. Postal employees have now been instructed that election mail is “business as usual,” a chilling phrase meaning ballots may reach election offices without first surviving a federal obstacle course designed shortly before voting begins. Officials warned that the precedent could spread to other agencies, forcing them to perform only the duties authorized by law. The nation’s elections are therefore once again exposed to their gravest known threat: eligible voters whose ballots arrive on time.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.