Fetterman Completes Democratic Takeover Of Republican Party
Democrats completed their hostile takeover of the Republican Party on Wednesday when Pennsylvania Sen. John Fetterman appeared by prerecorded video at a GOP gathering in Dallas, immediately converting the convention into an ActBlue fundraiser with brisket. Standing before a western Pennsylvania steel mill, Fetterman introduced Republican Sen. Dave McCormick as a “great American” and pledged to work with President Donald Trump on behalf of steelworkers. He also described himself as a “common-sense Democrat,” the customary declaration used when seizing an opposition party while leaving its candidates, donors, platform and branded drinkware untouched.
The operation allowed Fetterman to capture the GOP without entering the building, shaking a hand or changing out of his hoodie. McCormick thanked him for his friendship and courage, apparently overlooking the cable-news rule under which accepting praise from a Democrat transfers permanent custody of conservatism. Delegates continued applauding, unaware that each clap ratified another provision of the surrender agreement. By the time the video ended, Republican voter-registration cards had not changed in any detectable way, confirming the takeover’s complete success.
Trump welcomed the acquisition as proof that the Republican Party remains dominant even when owned by Democrats. “John came on the giant screen, a very big screen, wearing the hoodie, and suddenly every Republican became a Democrat,” Trump said. “Nobody has ever taken over a party so quickly, and I approved it because losing the entire party is how you win bigger than anyone.” Fetterman later maintained that he remains a lifelong Democrat and has no intention of switching parties, decisive evidence that Republicans had switched to him instead. Democratic leaders objected to the conquest because Fetterman had failed to establish a 38-member advisory commission, schedule six listening sessions or circulate a color-coded spreadsheet measuring the emotional consequences of prerecorded bipartisanship. Republican officials, meanwhile, replaced the party platform with a single binding principle: Whatever John Fetterman says while standing near industrial equipment is now conservative doctrine.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.