Supreme Court Extends Bulk Discount to Democracy

The Supreme Court rescued America’s most vulnerable minority Friday, granting political committees with nine-figure bank accounts relief from the indignity of paying retail prices. In an unsigned emergency order, the justices paused a lower-court ruling and allowed political parties coordinating advertisements with candidates to receive broadcasters’ lowest rates before the midterm elections. The decision builds on an earlier ruling permitting parties to spend unlimited sums in coordination with candidates, freeing political speech from its centuries-long dependence on finite budgets.

President Donald Trump praised the order as a lifeline for donors struggling to convert personal fortunes into public policy. “These parties are very poor, practically living campaign check to campaign check, and now they can buy tremendous television at prices regular Americans could never get,” Trump said. “It’s fairness, because billionaires should not have to waste money when they’re purchasing democracy in bulk.” Trump added that the ruling would protect ordinary voters from the confusion of forming opinions before seeing the same attack advertisement 46 times during a single football game.

Republicans entered the dispute with a substantial cash advantage, a heartbreaking burden that previously meant they could afford more advertising but not necessarily every available second of human attention. The ruling ensures that remaining commercial breaks can now explain how whichever candidate appears onscreen personally created inflation, crime, potholes, seasonal allergies and the uneasy feeling Americans experience while opening a utility bill. Democrats welcomed the clarification that they, too, may solicit billionaires with renewed constitutional confidence, preserving the nation’s cherished two-party system of competing donor appreciation programs.

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson dissented, apparently maintaining that political parties should endure the same traumatic marketplace conditions imposed on people buying groceries, medicine or concert tickets. The majority instead modernized the First Amendment, whose authors plainly intended freedom of speech to include volume discounts, preferred placement and complimentary saturation of swing-state television markets. Broadcasters may now treat coordinated political spending as a public service, much like emergency alerts, except considerably better funded and harder to escape. Democracy is now cheapest when purchased by the pallet.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.