Federal Judge Allows Newborns To Become Americans Without Passing Citizenship Test
The Constitution suffered another major victory Wednesday when U.S. District Judge Deborah Boardman blocked President Donald Trump’s latest effort to restrict birthright citizenship, permitting certain newborns to remain Americans despite having filed no paperwork, passed no loyalty examination and demonstrated no familiarity with the president’s real estate portfolio. Boardman’s injunction relied on the Fourteenth Amendment, an unelected document from 1868 that judges continue consulting even after the executive branch has announced more convenient interpretations.
The administration had argued that citizenship should not be awarded merely because a person completed childbirth inside the United States, a loophole infants have exploited for generations. “This is a terrible ruling because these babies do not speak English, they do not pay taxes, and most of them cannot name even one beautiful Trump property,” Trump said. “Nobody checks their social media, nobody asks how they voted, and then suddenly they are Americans. It is a disgrace.” White House officials warned that Boardman’s decision could allow infants to receive constitutional protections before proving they deserve them, placing a hospital bassinet on the same legal footing as an adult who has spent years reposting patriotic memes.
Legal analysts said the ruling reflects the judiciary’s increasingly rigid practice of reading the same constitutional language each time a president asks whether it has changed overnight. The administration is expected to appeal on the grounds that the Fourteenth Amendment contains an invisible exception for executive orders drafted with sufficient confidence. Officials are also considering narrower restrictions covering babies born on weekdays, during Democratic administrations or within earshot of a language other than English, requiring courts to address each infant threat separately. Until then, American citizenship will continue to be distributed at birth without interviews, entrance fees or a mandatory televised pledge to Donald Trump, conclusively establishing newborn babies as the nation’s most powerful unvetted political lobby.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.