Trump Classifies North Korean Nuclear Arsenal As Decorative

President Donald Trump announced a new national security standard Tuesday under which North Korea’s estimated 57 nuclear weapons are officially considered charming, manageable and one warhead below the federal threshold for “a little much.” Trump supplied the exact figure while inspecting White House helipad construction, replacing the intelligence community’s traditional reliance on satellite imagery, classified assessments and tiresome uncertainty with the more efficient method of saying a number beside fresh concrete. He also said he expects to meet North Korean leader Kim Jong Un later this year, noting that getting along with the head of a nuclear-armed dictatorship is “a very good thing,” particularly when the dictator has demonstrated proper respect for presidential branding.

“Fifty-seven is a beautiful number, a very safe number, actually, because sixty would be concerning and everybody knows that,” Trump said. “Kim could have rounded up, but he didn’t, and that shows tremendous restraint, tremendous friendship and, frankly, excellent nuclear bookkeeping.” The statement established what officials described as the Trump Doctrine, under which a foreign nuclear stockpile ceases to be threatening once its owner compliments Trump, poses for photographs with him or writes him correspondence the president later describes as beautiful. Such arsenals will instead be treated as exclusive collections, similar to golf courses, luxury watches or government documents maintained in tastefully appointed private facilities.

North Korea’s weapons will now enter the administration’s expanding category of peaceful devices that merely happen to be capable of destroying cities. Countries with no nuclear weapons, meanwhile, will remain under close observation because their suspiciously empty inventories leave ample room for a first bomb. Officials said the figure 57 will replace ranges, caveats and other forms of gloomy Deep State arithmetic in future briefings. If North Korea possesses additional warheads, those devices may be counted as amenities, commemorative pieces or complimentary upgrades included with the summit package. Trump further assured Americans that Kim would behave as long as the United States has a smart president, making global survival dependent on a qualification the White House has already certified by executive order. North Korea’s nuclear arsenal is therefore safe because Donald Trump likes the number.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.