Trump Identifies Vandals Behind Stage Shaped Dead Grass

President Donald Trump identified a rectangular patch of dead grass on the National Mall as the latest target in the radical left’s campaign against American landscaping, citing its suspicious resemblance to the stage and seating footprint from his July 4 celebration. Photographs showed browned turf precisely where heavy structures, equipment and thousands of chairs had rested, but administration officials cautioned that photographs are merely visual records of events, while a presidential social media post containing the word “VANDALS” in capital letters constitutes executive-grade evidence.

“The stage was protecting the grass, actually, and everybody knows a beautiful patriotic stage makes grass stronger,” Trump said. “Then the vandals came in, very organized, and damaged only the exact places where our equipment had been sitting. These are highly trained lawn professionals, probably the best.” Interior Secretary Doug Burgum is expected to investigate whether protesters disguised themselves as contractors, installed the stage, arranged the seating, staffed the celebration and removed the equipment in a coordinated operation designed to make routine event damage resemble routine event damage. Investigators will also examine whether the suspects weaponized shade, foot traffic, compressed soil and the biological needs of grass against the president.

The allegation follows Trump’s claim that vandals damaged the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool after an inquiry by U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro’s office attributed the problem to rushed construction and faulty installation. Pirro has not announced whether the contractor was actually a disciplined cell of vandals sharing reflective safety vests, government invoices and a procurement number. White House officials said Trump’s celebration could not have harmed the Mall because patriotic crowds exert no politically relevant pressure on soil, and because any blade of grass beneath a presidential platform should consider itself decorated rather than dead.

Proposed security measures include armed protection for federal sod, felony penalties for carrying lawn chairs with anti-government intent and replacing the Mall’s grass with concrete, which officials could later blame on environmentalists for failing to keep green. Officials also recommended background checks for landscapers and mandatory loyalty pledges for groundskeepers, noting that photosynthesis has never publicly endorsed the president. The administration has therefore established that stages do not kill grass when Trump stands on them; vandals simply arrange the damage into stage-shaped rectangles.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.