Trump Blames Lawn Vandals For National Mall Grass Damage
President Donald Trump announced Monday that a highly organized network of lawn vandals secretly built a stage, installed thousands of chairs and directed a vast holiday crowd onto the National Mall in an elaborate attempt to make his administration appear responsible for grass. The accusation followed photographs of broad brown patches beside the World War II Memorial, exactly where the administration’s America 250 celebration had placed its bandstand, equipment and audience. Officials said the precise overlap between the damaged turf and the government-approved event proved the attack required insider knowledge of both landscaping and calendars.
“These were professional grass killers, probably the best grass killers anybody has ever seen,” Trump said. “They dressed like contractors, followed our plans, built my beautiful stage and somehow convinced people that thousands of shoes can damage a lawn, which is scientifically ridiculous.” Trump added that healthy American grass ordinarily becomes stronger when covered by scaffolding, trampled by crowds and denied sunlight, particularly when the event above it has patriotic branding. He said investigators were reviewing footage for suspects carrying fertilizer, measuring tape or the dangerous belief that heavy objects leave marks.
Interior Secretary Doug Burgum is expected to classify the affected lawn as a federal crime scene and preserve every footprint until investigators determine whether shoes played any role. Jeanine Pirro’s office will meanwhile examine whether the vandals also infiltrated previous administration projects disguised as rushed schedules, peeling materials, algae, invoices and ordinary wear. Contractors remain above suspicion because they were merely hired to construct the facilities, supervise the grounds and perform the work now attributed to unidentified enemies of turf.
The White House said the case establishes a broader rule for evaluating presidential improvements: Anything that deteriorates after Trump orders it renovated, rebuilt, repainted or celebrated has been attacked by radicals. Weather will be questioned, gravity will be monitored and consequences will require federal permits before appearing. The National Mall’s grass was therefore not damaged by a massive event held directly on top of it; it was assassinated by landscaping extremists determined to frame the president with evidence.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.