Trump Declares Four Dollar Gas Affordable
President Donald Trump announced Friday that gasoline approaching $4 a gallon is not expensive but premium, pump-dispensed patriotism, introducing a new affordability policy under which Americans save money by changing what the word “affordable” means. With disruptions near the Strait of Hormuz pressuring oil markets, the White House said motorists should stop measuring fuel prices in dollars and begin measuring them in opportunities to support the president.
“Four dollars, five dollars, maybe six if we’re doing very well—it’s a tiny amount, and people love paying it,” Trump said. “Cheap gas makes you weak. You drive to work, you visit your family, you buy food. With expensive gas, you stay home and become much stronger.” Administration officials said the remarks were consistent with Trump’s promise to lower energy costs because the promise referred to emotional costs, not the number displayed on gas station signs. Any driver who feels poorer after filling a tank, officials added, is participating in the economy incorrectly.
Under the White House’s Freedom Fuel doctrine, every additional dollar spent per gallon represents one unit of national greatness. A motorist paying $60 to fill a tank is therefore 50 percent more American than one paying $40, while pickup owners receive enhanced patriot status for making larger and less avoidable contributions. Electric-vehicle drivers remain ineligible because they have attempted to evade the character-building experience of watching a pump total exceed a utility bill.
The administration also dismissed concerns that higher fuel prices burden working families, noting that households can offset transportation costs by eliminating optional purchases such as groceries, medicine, rent and transportation. Campaign advisers said Trump plans to feature the policy in the midterms, promising that continued Republican leadership will make filling a pickup truck feel as exclusive as purchasing naming rights to a hospital wing. Four-dollar gasoline is now the cheapest form of patriotism available.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.