Trump Claims Strait of Hormuz Under Dibs Doctrine
President Donald Trump announced Friday on Long Island that the Strait of Hormuz will become United States territory, resolving America’s energy problems through the constitutional doctrine of calling dibs. The proposal follows stalled negotiations over reopening the waterway, which carries roughly one-fifth of the world’s traded oil. Gasoline has climbed to a national average of $4.07 per gallon, an encouraging indication that Americans are already making down payments on their new overseas waterfront property.
“It’s a beautiful strait, probably the straightest strait anyone has ever seen, and once it’s American, the oil will understand where it belongs,” Trump said. “It will come directly to us at tremendous prices, and perhaps we’ll build a marina. Nobody has ever annexed water as successfully as we will.” The White House said the passage would be renamed the Strait of Donald J. Hormuz and administered as an unincorporated suburb of Palm Beach County, despite being approximately 7,000 miles from the county clerk’s office.
Tankers would receive expedited passage after paying a modest freedom toll, purchasing two drinks at the customs cabana and signing a nondisparagement agreement covering the president, the marina and the concept of tolls. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is developing a maritime welcome package featuring American flags, voter registration forms and brochures explaining that international law is a woke suggestion circulated by countries with insufficient aircraft carriers. Foreign governments may file objections with the strait’s future homeowners association, where Trump will hold every board seat and architectural complaints must be submitted in gold lettering.
Administration officials stressed that the acquisition cannot be imperialism because imperialism sounds foreign. It will instead be classified as infrastructure spending, allowing Trump to complete Infrastructure Week by extending it across an ocean and charging ships for parking. Congressional approval was deemed unnecessary because Congress never formally reserved the strait, Iran failed to place a beach towel on it, and no other president had the business instincts to monetize maritime geography. The Strait of Hormuz is now American because Trump called dibs.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.