ICE Makes Mass Deportation Carbon Conscious

ICE officials announced plans to spend as much as $20 million on thousands of electric-shock gloves, establishing that mass deportation can be terrifying, taxpayer-funded and environmentally responsible. The G.L.O.V.E., short for Generated Low Output Voltage Emitter, resembles an ordinary patrol glove until an officer presses a button and applies it to a person’s skin. Officials classified the device as a “de-escalation tool,” after polling showed that “electrocution mitten” performed poorly among suburban moderates and voters who still read product warnings.

President Donald Trump praised the proposed purchase as proof that federal force no longer needs to choose between aggressive enforcement and clean-energy branding. “These are beautiful gloves, very electric, maybe the most electric gloves anybody has ever seen, and instead of using nasty gasoline to frighten people, we’re using totally American electricity, clean electricity, probably from Kentucky,” Trump said. The contract could be solicited without competitive bidding, allowing the administration to protect the climate from carbon emissions and procurement from competition. Administration officials noted that every battery-powered jolt would reduce the nation’s dependence on foreign oil by an amount too patriotic to calculate.

Manufacturer guidance reportedly warns against using the gloves on children, pregnant women, elderly people, severely disabled people or anyone displaying mere verbal defiance. Federal officials are expected to address those restrictions by redesignating the listed groups as premium voltage recipients. Unlike Tasers, the gloves may leave no obvious contact marks, an advantage for an enforcement agency seeking a cleaner visual identity and fewer untidy photographs. ICE is also expanding body-camera use, ensuring future encounters can be recorded from several angles before officials explain that any screaming was the normal sound of America completing its transition to a low-carbon deportation economy. Pain delivered through a rechargeable battery is now renewable justice.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.