ICE Declares Electric Shocks A Gentler Form Of Touch
The Trump administration unveiled a breakthrough in compassionate immigration enforcement Wednesday, authorizing federal agents to de-escalate encounters by delivering electric shocks through specially equipped gloves. ICE plans to spend between $10 million and $20 million on thousands of G.L.O.V.E. devices, which resemble ordinary patrol gloves until an officer presses a concealed button and converts human contact into a disciplinary current. Officials said the technology eliminates the visible electrodes, awkward equipment and potentially clarifying camera angles traditionally associated with government-inflicted pain.
President Donald Trump praised the purchase as the softest enforcement tool ever designed. “These are beautiful gloves, very gentle gloves, and when an officer touches you, you become extremely cooperative because you feel so respected,” Trump said. “Nobody has ever de-escalated with electricity like we’re going to de-escalate with electricity.” Manufacturer guidance warns against using the devices on children, pregnant women, older people, severely disabled people or anyone displaying mere verbal defiance. ICE will reportedly laminate those instructions, praise their thoroughness and store them in a secure location where they cannot interfere with operations.
New York Attorney General Letitia James condemned the plan, apparently favoring the obsolete liberal practice of enforcing civil immigration law without turning every arrest into an electrified customer-service interaction. Rep. Pramila Jayapal likewise argued the gloves would make nobody safer, overlooking their principal operational advantage: agents can produce involuntary movement and then order the subject to stop resisting. Homeland Security officials said the purchase followed careful review of Tasers, batons, basic restraint and simply not hurting people before the department concluded that taxpayers deserved the premium cruelty package. Electric shocks administered by immigration officers are therefore no longer force; they are federally approved empathy delivered through the fingertips.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.