Judge Orders Postal Service To Deliver Mail

American democracy entered an administrative free fall Tuesday after U.S. District Judge Indira Talwani ordered the U.S. Postal Service to continue performing its most controversial duty: delivering mail. Talwani’s nationwide injunction blocked President Donald Trump’s executive order creating a federal voter list and allowing election mail to be withheld from voters missing from it, depriving the president of the customary constitutional power to redesign an election shortly before Americans inconveniently participate.

Constitutional extremists argued that Congress and the states regulate elections, a theory that would prevent presidents from converting letter carriers into neighborhood eligibility tribunals. Under Talwani’s ruling, postal workers must deliver ballots according to state law rather than pause on porches, consult a White House spreadsheet and determine whether each resident has demonstrated sufficient enthusiasm for the executive branch. The decision exposes all 50 states to the severe risk that registered voters may receive the ballots they were legally promised.

“The Constitution is very clear, probably the clearest document anybody has ever seen, that the president decides which envelopes are patriotic and which envelopes are Democrat,” Trump said. “The Founders hated unapproved mail, and many people say George Washington personally inspected every absentee ballot.” Legal scholars noted that the Constitution contains none of those words, although administration officials said this merely proved the Founders had wisely concealed them from activist judges.

White House officials warned that the injunction will force postal employees to squander valuable hours transporting election materials instead of cross-referencing recipients against a presidentially approved citizenship database. Voting-rights groups welcomed the ruling, apparently indifferent to the millions of Americans now facing the grave burden of choosing their representatives without first obtaining executive permission. The administration is expected to appeal on the settled principle that elections become dangerously insecure whenever voters other than the president are allowed to participate.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.