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Senate Makes American Shopping Carts Responsible For Russian Oil

Senate Makes American Shopping Carts Responsible For Russian Oil

Senators voted 86-11 Friday to protect Americans from the reckless availability of affordable imported goods, approving a Russia sanctions package that could impose tariffs of up to 100% on products from countries purchasing Russian oil and gas. The measure, championed by Sen. Lindsey Graham, covers Russian officials, oligarchs and state enterprises while granting President Donald Trump broad authority to determine which American household purchases must become prohibitively expensive. Under the plan, Vladimir Putin will be forced to reconsider his energy policy after learning that a family in Ohio postponed buying a microwave manufactured in China.

Senate Majority Leader John Thune praised the legislation’s precision. “For too long, China and India have purchased Russian energy without requiring a cashier in Kansas to explain why an ordinary pair of sneakers now costs $240,” Thune said. “This bill ensures Moscow receives a clear message through the credit-card statements of Americans who had no role in the transaction.” Supporters described the proposal as a model of congressional efficiency because it allows Washington to penalize Russia, Russia’s customers and unrelated American consumers with a single signature. The tariffs would be paid by U.S. importers, who are expected to absorb the expense using the traditional corporate method of charging shoppers more and issuing a statement about difficult choices.

Trump celebrated the proposal’s flexible tariff powers as proof that higher prices are most effective when assigned a foreign-policy purpose. “Nobody knows sanctions like I do, and the beautiful thing is, when Russia sells oil to India, an American family buying a refrigerator pays the price,” Trump said. “Putin sees that receipt and says, ‘Wow, these people mean business.’” Sen. Richard Blumenthal said the package would create “scorching” economic pressure, with the initial scorching scheduled for appliance stores, clothing aisles and household budgets. The bill now heads to the House, where lawmakers will determine whether 100% tariffs demonstrate sufficient resolve or must be raised until financing a toaster requires collateral. Americans were advised to contribute immediately by postponing back-to-school shopping, repairing broken appliances with online tutorials and regarding every abandoned purchase as proof that the Kremlin has been economically disciplined by an empty shopping cart.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.

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