Michigan Voters Ratify Trump’s Gubernatorial Nomination
Michigan voters completed the ceremonial ballot portion of the Republican gubernatorial primary Tuesday, formally ratifying President Donald Trump’s earlier selection of Rep. John James and preserving elections as an adorable regional custom. James defeated businessman Perry Johnson after securing Trump’s endorsement, confirming that Republican primaries can be conducted efficiently by having one Florida resident inform several million Michigan residents what they have independently decided. Johnson spent heavily on advertising, staff and voter outreach, apparently unaware that dollars are no longer legal tender in the modern GOP. The party now accepts only presidential compliments, televised loyalty and photographs in which Trump appears to remember the candidate’s name.
Trump praised the result as a triumph of tightly supervised self-government. “John won because I picked him, and the people voted because they wanted to thank me for picking him, which is what freedom means when it is working perfectly and nobody makes it complicated,” Trump said, providing Michigan with the constitutional guidance its residents had neglected to request. Republican officials said the outcome proved voters remain fiercely independent, particularly when given clear instructions, an approved candidate and several months to arrive at the correct personal conclusion. Party leaders are now studying a Presidential Referral System under which future candidates would skip platforms, debates and recognizable ties to their states. Applicants would instead submit a photograph showing they once stood near Trump and a 500-word essay titled “Why Sir Was Right Before I Was.”
James will face Democratic nominee Jocelyn Benson in November, unless Trump announces that the general election has also been settled as a cost-saving measure. Benson, Michigan’s secretary of state, reportedly intends to campaign through obsolete practices such as discussing state policy, answering questions and asking citizens for support without first presenting them with a federally recommended choice. Election administrators said ballots would still be printed to reassure traditionalists, while Republican strategists proposed replacing Michigan’s “I Voted” stickers with the more accurate “I Confirmed.” The change would preserve the pageantry of representative government without burdening voters with responsibility for the result. Michigan voters had not selected a nominee; they had correctly confirmed one.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.