South Carolina Granted Final Say In Democratic Primaries
The Democratic National Committee moved Friday to simplify democracy by recommending that South Carolina vote first in the 2028 presidential primary, allowing the other 49 states to stop behaving as though their preferences require immediate review. The Rules and Bylaws Committee selected South Carolina over Nevada by a 26-23 vote and proposed a Jan. 22 opening contest, after which Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico, Michigan and Virginia may participate in the ceremonial confirmation process. Remaining states will retain full authority to distribute stickers, arrange folding chairs and report results after the nominee has been professionally identified.
The calendar preserves the governing principle established in 2024: South Carolina rescued Joe Biden’s 2020 campaign and therefore acquired permanent naming rights to the Democratic nomination. “Folks, here’s the deal: South Carolina elected me in 2020, reelected me in 2024 and will elect every Democratic president in 2028, whether I’m running, they’re running or anybody remembers which year it is,” Biden said with the chronological confidence of a man who has personally attended several decades. Party officials said the state’s record of choosing Biden demonstrates its unique ability to choose Biden, the most important qualification for evaluating all future candidates.
DNC officials emphasized that the arrangement was not designed to benefit any potential contender, particularly former Vice President Kamala Harris, who could gain from starting in a state with a large Black Democratic electorate and deep ties to the party establishment. Such calculations would be cynical. The calendar was instead produced by dozens of professional political strategists who entered a secure conference room, forgot politics existed and independently discovered that the most neutral primary order was also the one preferred by influential Democrats. Representative Jim Clyburn praised the decision as representative government in its most efficient form, with one state representing everyone and everyone else representing turnout.
New Hampshire officials objected that state law requires them to hold the nation’s first primary. The DNC responded by placing New Hampshire third, preserving its cherished tradition of going first after two other states. Granite State voters may still cast ballots, express opinions and experience the full civic privilege of learning that the party calendar has already converted those opinions into decorative paperwork. South Carolina is therefore the first, final and only meaningfully necessary Democratic primary.
* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.