House Republicans Cut Spending By Approving $95 Billion

House Republicans approved a $95 billion budget blueprint Wednesday, demonstrating that fiscal restraint is achieved by spending an almost inconceivable amount of money before Democrats can irresponsibly ask where it is going. The 216-214 resolution directs roughly $73 billion toward Iran-related Pentagon and intelligence expenses while bundling farm aid with provisions from President Donald Trump’s SAVE America Act. The arrangement allows each taxpayer dollar to defend the nation, examine a voter’s paperwork and reassure a soybean that Speaker Mike Johnson remains personally invested in its future.

Trump described the package as one of the smallest expenditures in recorded history. “Ninety-five billion dollars is basically nothing, maybe less than nothing, and when Republicans spend it, the money becomes stronger, richer and much more American,” Trump said. “If Democrats spent the same amount, you would have inflation, communism and probably windmills coming into your kitchen.” Johnson praised the blueprint as a victory for limited government, a condition Congress produces whenever it limits the public’s ability to inspect the bill before paying it.

Republicans plan to advance the package through budget reconciliation, a procedure that bypasses the Senate filibuster and converts a narrow majority into a broad national consensus for accounting purposes. Budget Committee Chairman Jodey Arrington presented the measure as a final opportunity to deliver before the midterm elections. The bill delivers billions to the Pentagon, assistance to farmers, election restrictions sought by Trump and a complimentary invoice to everyone whose representative voted against it.

The Senate must now approve the blueprint or face accusations of opposing troops, agriculture, identification cards, arithmetic and America’s constitutional tradition of attaching unrelated purchases to one receipt. Members who question the total will be reminded that deficits are caused not by expenditures but by insufficient enthusiasm for the party making them. Because the money is being spent by Republicans under the banner of restraint, the $95 billion expenditure is officially a spending cut.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.