Trump Extends Constitutional Protections To Oil

President Donald Trump announced a humanitarian expansion of his Iran policy Tuesday, pledging to protect petroleum’s freedom of movement even as American motorists reconsider whether funerals, weddings and employment are strictly necessary trips. With crude prices elevated and commercial traffic threatened in the Strait of Hormuz, the administration said it would defend the one population whose hardship consistently produces immediate bipartisan concern: barrels. Officials emphasized that oil tankers carry not merely fuel, but millions of tiny economic hostages whose safe passage is essential to preserving the American right to complain about gasoline prices while taking no other action.

“Nobody has protected oil like me, nobody,” Trump said. “This is beautiful oil, very strong oil, and frankly it deserves safe shipping lanes more than many unfair voters deserve affordable groceries or health care.” The president threatened additional pressure on Iranian infrastructure if shipping conditions fail to improve, describing the approach as a proven method of reducing instability by creating enough new instability to overwhelm the original amount. White House officials rejected suggestions that the policy was designed to lower gasoline prices before the midterm elections. They said it was instead intended to safeguard crude oil’s sacred constitutional right to become gasoline before the midterm elections.

Under the emerging doctrine, every tanker will be treated as a swing-state suburb, every pipeline as a family farm and every refinery as a roadside diner where political reporters can interview anxious diesel about the economy. Cargo ships may also receive military protection and a carefully itemized security bill, combining the administration’s commitments to peace, commerce and charging frightened customers twice. Human beings affected by higher prices will continue receiving the traditional federal relief package of condolences, budgeting advice and reminders to purchase an electric vehicle with money they would have had if groceries were petroleum. Officials said democracy remains a core American value whenever it does not delay a shipment of sweet crude. The administration has therefore established that oil is the nation’s most deserving citizen.

* None of the quotes in this article were spoken by an actual person. More info.